[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.


*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*


Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.


*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves


Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”


WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”