[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

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I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.


[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god


[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you


[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”



*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*


Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”

*pulls pants back up*


Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.


Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.