I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
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*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”