I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
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[me after 1 minute of jogging] this is good, this was a good decision
[me after 3 minutes of jogging] life is suffering, there is no god
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
“what’s it like having a sister?”
She’s constantly mad at me
“There are squirrels living in our house”
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
Me: “Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?”
Nurse: “Sir, you’re just here for a blood pressure reading…”
*pulls pants back up*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.