[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king