reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)