[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me too, bag. Me too….
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.