*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You Might Also Like
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.