Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.