[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.
mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!
condom: *walks away laughing*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton