@baronvonbike

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

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@TheMichaelRock

*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*

@ewfeez

My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

@Chelsea_Elle

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

@trevso_electric

“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.

@onion_an

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”