@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

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@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@brettminor

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

@mommywhitfield

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@Area51eh

Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.