Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.