Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
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Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.