I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
Can I have the definition, please?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.