@daemonic3

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

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@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”

@Boleyngirly

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@T_Bonezzz_

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

@Ham_Tornado

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.