[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.