*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.