[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry