*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.