*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.