One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I corrected the names of all my friends in my Contacts.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Her: Can you turn off the lights?
Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.