Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.