SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
customer: can i get a microwave
me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello
If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I wore a mask to run errands today
Accidentally robbed a bank