(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup