@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

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@CockSnake

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@IvoryGazelle

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

@TeaPainUSA

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

@equinelover137

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”