(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence


Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not





A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.


The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.


If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom


My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*


There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank