(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
You Might Also Like
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?