*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.