You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.