@Bottle_of_Death

*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?

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@ChickenFrecklez

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@NoFlipFlops

Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

@daliamalek

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

@WheelTod

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

@RickAaron

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

@TheRealPilau

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”