*Reads your tweets, vomits into a bucket, mails bucket to you*- see what you made me do?

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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”


To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.


Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.


Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief


How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.


Me: I’d kill for a donut

Krispy Kreme assistant: Please use cash


One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”