And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The future is now.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.