@tsm560: Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does
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@amechamecha: After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on in the first place..
@CulturedRuffian: Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
@Ygrene: [being murdered] Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out* Me: *becomes even more alive*