Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does

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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret


I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.


I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.



*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*


*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*



“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers


Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”


me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens


Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.


SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]