marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does
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I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing
bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh
me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
Aliens scoop me up & put me in a big glass jar w holes poked in the lid. They scatter Pringles inside to simulate my natural environment.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]