@tsm560

Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does

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@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@AndrewChamings

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

@Staggfilms

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@jonnysun

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

@captainkalvis

me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@hippieswordfish

[bus stop]
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist