I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?