*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.