[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?