9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.