[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?


*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?


I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”


When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.


Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.


[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”


Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day


Sometimes I open the refrigerator door with my foot just to impress my dog.