Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.