Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.