“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You Might Also Like
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Just a bush.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
2022: I can fix it
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?