Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.