Real House Wines.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.