employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:
So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”
*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*