Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.

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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*



Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors


I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”


A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.


Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.


“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad