a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this