Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles