Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

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First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.


As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.


The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.


[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?


Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.


Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic


MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.


Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!


The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.