@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

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@yupthatpaul

the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise

@KentWGraham

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@mohitraj

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

@Dmvm1977

OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?

Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.

@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@iRowlf

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.