0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
You Might Also Like
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.