Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Very good! 👍😂
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????