Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
BETRAYAL
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money