My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*