@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

@isabelzawtun

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@ImSoFrancis

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

@abbycohenwl

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

@Marlebean

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

@WGladstone

Lady Gaga got engaged on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, indicating her fiance shares her love for bold originality.

@Tayl0rBr00ks

A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.