@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

You Might Also Like

@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

@mydmac

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

@AddTequila

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@EndhooS

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

@AndrewChamings

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@dafloydsta

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*