Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”