Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Whoa 😂
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable