[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules