realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
You Might Also Like
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
This was a bad idea all around
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I love the honesty
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons