I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.