[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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Me: the eagles won last night
Co worker: oh did you watch the game
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-
Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???