@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

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@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@rudy_mustang

Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

@AkilahObviously

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@LizHackett

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

@SteveKoehler22

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

@WilliamRodgers

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???