Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will