Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…