Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?