Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Sharon, call the vet
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.