*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
some Old Testament wisdom
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Employees must applaud the planets.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: