@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

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@McKelvie

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

@ComedicBust

*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@chris_isloi

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@jazz_inmypants

MOM: gnight ๐Ÿ™‚ sleep tight ๐Ÿ™‚ donโ€™t let the bed bugs bite ๐Ÿ™‚

[later]

BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool

@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

@jonnysun

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.