Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Me: what was your best day ever?
Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?
Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.
3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.
*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!