*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Her: Ask me anything..
Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?
Her: Are you seri..
Me: *flips table*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂
BED BUG: *tries to bite me*
ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no
BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.