*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

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Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”


“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

-Lazy pharmacist


It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady


Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.


Me: what was your best day ever?

3yo: today!

Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?

3yo: today.

Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.

3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.


[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*


*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*


GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.


4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?


4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!