*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.


Life is like a box of chocolates. It’s making you fat and killing your dog.


This cop is driving so fast it’s like he’s trying to keep up with me


I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.


“Are you sexually active?”
[Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.]


Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.


3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.


I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.


“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”