[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops