Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You Might Also Like
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster