Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

You Might Also Like


Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”


poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit


That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.


Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.


ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.



FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]



[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no


*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.