@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

You Might Also Like

@ojedge

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@FINALLEVEL

ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.

@thepunningman

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

@UncleDuke1969

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.