Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
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poseidon: has anyone seen my trident
zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
* flirting with disaster
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?
Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.