@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

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@aliceolilly

Dec 2020: we’ve invented Covid vaccines within a year, that’s amazing

Feb 2021: wow we’ve landed a craft on Mars, that’s incredible

March 2021: please, the big boat, it’s very stuck

@DVSblast

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

@thestlouisan

[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@thatUPSdude

Me: What are these red chips worth?

Dealer: 5 bucks.

Me: What about this orange one?

Dealer: Sir, that’s a Dorito.

@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@Megatronic13

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no