Dec 2020: we’ve invented Covid vaccines within a year, that’s amazing
Feb 2021: wow we’ve landed a craft on Mars, that’s incredible
March 2021: please, the big boat, it’s very stuck
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i’m on Twitter.
Me: What are these red chips worth?
Dealer: 5 bucks.
Me: What about this orange one?
Dealer: Sir, that’s a Dorito.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no