I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
1985: call me on the new line in my room
2000: call me on my mobile flip phone
2015: don’t call me
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most