Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Godspeed, John Glenn
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
reminder
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
why isn’t he texting back
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.