@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

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@HatfieldAnne

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

@VerbsRProudest

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!

@WilliamAder

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

@bourgeoisalien

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

@LOsepyan

Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.

@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

@ericsshadow

1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don’t call me

@GrantTanaka

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most