Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
the three branches of government
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.