Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
this is what they would have looked like, though
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Lol.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.