Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
She sells sea shells on the:
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.