@gregg_mc

Really? EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting?

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell ūüôĀ

@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@MooseAllain

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@jake_likes_naps

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude